Sometimes we find our hearts broken by the things we have decided belong to us. It’s hard to know when its time to let go of the desire to belong. When do you know that you have reached the point of no return? When you have made yourself into something that is unlovable? How do you know when you lose your own ability to be loving to the one person who deserves your love the most.
So many people spend their lives loving people who don’t and will never love them back but they never stop to wonder why it is that their love is never returned. Love is such a precious thing and the sad part is that its one of those things that we all need but we are all so afraid of having or losing once we do. I love to love but I’m also terrified of it, I always have been.
I got my first boyfriend at the age of 13, considering I saw him a total of 2 times I guess one could say that wasn’t really a relationship to even consider, I just liked the idea of having someone I could call my boyfriend. Which is ironic because even then I didn’t see myself as someone who wanted, let alone was capable of loving someone else, at least not unconditionally. What can I say, I’ve always been a little bit jaded.
I fell in love for the first time when I was 14, coincidentally it was 2 weeks after I had my first kiss with a guy who’s name I can’t even remember anymore. This was my first real relationship which would inconsistently last for 2 years. We broke up a total of 4 times in that period and 2 of those times it was because he slept with some other girls, all because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I would be livid and we would fight and he would deny even knowing those girls only to admit it at a later time. Even though I had promised myself I would never allow anyone to play me a fool for love I still took him back. Even then I was a little broken in ways I didn’t really understand and at times still fail to fully understand now. Eventually I decided I was no doormat and ended it for good, it broke my heart and made me a cynic for years to come.
I fell for the first love of my life at 17, he was the first person who truly made me feel I could fly. He made me laugh, was silly with me, he made me feel precious and special. He gave me his time, listened to me and not only shared his dreams but he took mine into him too. I gave him huge chunks of all that I was and had (my body, my heart and my soul). To be honest I don’t know how he got so much of me cause I never meant to give any of it, it was a part I didn’t even realize I had given for years. But we were too young, too immature, too caught up on who we wanted to be and were we wanted to go. We broke each other in ways that left bruises and cracks which have marred the people we have since become. It’s been 9 years and I still find myself thinking about him, wondering if he still thinks of me sometimes, if a part of him still loves me too?
A broken heart and a cynical attitude towards love are a terrible combination which is why the next 6 years flew by with countless failed relationships than never had any real attachment. It’s funny cause I have always wanted to fall in love, always wished to be swept off my feet by a fairy-tale kind of love. It feels like an eternity has passed since then but I still find myself wondering what it would be like to not be a love cynic.
It’s been years but I did finally find the second love of my life and I fall in love hard, it was amazing. I found someone who listened to me and heard me, someone who made me laugh, who makes me feel precious and special. It took me a lot of years but I finally learnt how to be sanguine about love and I got to say it feels amazing. It’s amazing to know what love feels like and I hope to experience it for an eternity in a million different ways.
LEARNING TO BE... 