Breaking down

I broke down today when I realized I’m not happy with how my life is at the moment. I recently came to realization that I’m quite lonely these days, I think I spend to much time by myself. I guess it doesn’t help that I have self destructive tendencies like spending hours reading novels and watching series instead of doing something useful with my life. I need to fix myself, so I’m gonna see a therapist as soon as possible and I’m gonna get myself back in order. The sad part is that I don’t even know why I’m so sad, I just feel so useless in life it sucks. I cried for hours but didn’t even know why. And I’ve had a writers block for months so I feel like this is the worst.

Managing expectations

I don’t usually fall in love but when I do it’s like a bomb goes off inside of me. I feel like my world falls apart long enough for all my joints to learn how to dance all on their own and the next thing I know they no longer work the way the used to.

I don’t fall in love often but when I do I forget about the things that have broken me long enough to believe in dreams just out of reach, it’s like my universe expands with possibility

I don’t usually fall in love but when I do…. Boy when I do its explosive

I usually fall in like and when I do my heart learns a new dance long enough for my blood to remember what it feels like to circulate

And when I fall out of like all my body can remember is how much it hurts to just barely miss that bus holding in its tires the only hope you have for that long-awaited joy which comes with knowing you won’t be late…

I don’t usually fall in love, I do usually fall in like but I so long to discover what it feels like for your world to implode into a ball of fire that sets alight my entire universe. I want to know what it feels like for a heart to break so hard it’s stripped of all its wrappings. I wanna discover what it feels like to feel the whole world beneath your feet, discover the joys that come with being swept away with the ocean. I wanna fall in love with someone…

 

Learning to embrace pain

Let’s start over again…

I’ve done it again it seems, I’ve broken us again and I honestly don’t  have a good reason why I’ve done it

I swear I do love you, even when I don’t show it, it’s just I’m not sure how to.

I’m not sure how to be self-sustaining, I never learned to be good to me. I’ve spent way too long protecting me from pain that I inadvertently cause me the most pain.

It’s like when you fall once and spend your whole life avoiding the pain you felt on that one time, you sadly never learning to walk run and better yet learn to fly.

I can’t say I know what the joy of pain is but I know that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all the things which have caused me pain in my life.

I can’t say I know what it means to love but I do know that love one of the most amazing things this life as on offer, that it’s about more than finding a perfect life partner, going out on dates, giving stuff or even spending lots of time together with someone. I know that to love means to sometimes stand on the side and watch as everyone else get the credit you deserve, to hold on tight while tears curve roads into your cheekbones, and to be happy with having almost nothing.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering what loving means to me and I can honestly, completely, irrevocably say I have no idea, but I do look forwards to finding out one day. For now, I’m learning to be content with the growth pains which come with learning something new. For now, I’m content with learning what it means to love my creator, humanity and me.

Cry

Break,
Break,
Break,
Oh, heart of mine break.

It’s been so long since you last knew what it meant to let go,
To feel and just Be…
I know sometimes you just wanna let go,
To let yourself be vulnerable and discover all the strength that comes with opening yourself up to hurt.

Break oh heart of mine,
And let yourself discover all the ways you can love,
All the ways you can find the joy that lives inside of you,
Through tears you can find the beauty at the centre of every heartbreak.

“I wanna cry” is the thought that’s been running through my head all day, it’s not like my heart has been broken by anything, in particular, its just been broken multiple times throughout my years and every once in a while I need to let it all out and nothing has ever felt quite as sweet as having your heart on your sleeves. So I cry, not because I am weak but because I am strong and because I love, I love with all my heart given half a chance.

Loving me

Loving what we do not know sure is a flaw we all have as humans I think. Longing can be a very dangerous emotion, one powerful enough to build and destroy all in the same breath. We lose what we have not learnt to hold dear to our hearts for that which piques our imaginations, even when it’s not good for us or rather because it is not.

When we fall in love we connect with a part of ourselves which is so pure it has the power to build us our very own universe but only if its true. When we fall in love with ourselves we unlock that power which exists within us and only then are we able to effectively build that universe which allows us to better contribute to the building of our world. I’m learning what it means to fall in love with me and every time I find myself wishing I was someone else or me just different I remind myself that I exist as is for a reason flaws and all. I may not know now nor ever what that reason is and I’m learning to be okay with that as hard as that is, but I guess there’s a reason why faith exists; to assure us that even when we know not of it a reason does exists.

 

 

…I do know this:

“When you don’t stand for anything, you’ll fall for everything”. At least that’s what people say, but what does it mean to stand for something when you don’t understand anything? What qualifies for understanding?

Well… I don’t know but I do know this:
I don’t know where this is going any more than I know where I’m going in this life,
I haven’t figured out how to be happy with where I am or who I am even though I’ve been working on this equation for the past 5 years,
I know I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m somewhat comfortable with being me, And I’m learning everyday how to be whole without being complete.

I’m learning to forgive all the pain I’ve been caused by those I love and those who don’t know me, those who’ve made me feel insignificant and cut through my skin with sharp teeth and claws leaving my heart bleeding and bare so much so that it taught me to build tall steel walls and adorn myself with titanium armour.

That it taught me to shut my doors and walk through life with my cards held tightly to my chest, my head and shoulder hanging in endless shame making me wish to disappear with every breath I take.

I know I’m learning to belong in my own world and to be unapologetic of my bubbling energy, my inability to keep quite or to have to filter for that matter, I’m learning to be content with imperfection and I’m learning to love, to be kind, to be joyful and so much more.

So yes there is a lot I don’t know but I do know that I’m learning to be compassionate and truthful, respectful and humble and most importantly I’m learning to be the best version of me I can be.

Drugs (I’m giving this one away)

So it’s late and even though I had dinner less than two hours ago I’m absolutely starving. That’s not a very good thing when you’re planning to work through the night (student life:( ), so I decide to go to the shop to but chips.

I check the time and I have 20 munites to get the before they close so I leave after realising if I wait for Mbali to respond to me I’ll find myself crying over spilled milk for the night so I walk by myself.

I get to the shop and buy and get my chips (they are some of the best chips in town for real). As I spice my chips and add souces I manage to breath some of the spice and it irritates my nose, but I igrore this till I’m done then I walk out the shop.

As I come out I’m irritated and am sniffing seriously and rubbing my nose as I walk and this random guy says to me “Here take another hit” I look at him and he has a small packet of something and I say “No” and walk away as fast as I can. Yes I dont know what was in that packet but it looked like the ones I’ve seen in movies containing drugs of sorts.

Such an interesting thing because I found myself thinking “so this is how they get new costomers”, well lucky for me I’m not a junky or user of any sort. But I find it is really sad because this reminded me of how many of my brothers and sisters are suffering from drug abuse everyday, slaves to urges they can almost never hope to completely overcome unless they are lucky enough to hit rock bottom before its too late (or not). To think how easy it could be to get started on something you cannot just stop.

I may not know what makes people start drugs and I wont judge but I will say that I really pray more and more people get to a point where they can say no from the get go and that that in itself will be a cause for a decrease in the number of people who get hooked so to say.

Choices

The other day I almost ended up in a hospital bed. And that idea does not please me at all, cause I hate hospitals. No offense I give all those who work in the space all the respect known to man.

Sometimes I have a habit of making the worst choices in life, demonstrated in at least 90% of my regretable experiences in life. I choose to not go into detail about them cause I choose to not remember them in any significant detail unless I cant help it.

But anyway the point of this point is to say, sometimes I wanna cry because my life is a mess and that’s usually because I made a choice to make it so. For example I’ve spent the last 2 months procrastinating and now I have so much work I need to do my head is about to explode yet I’m sitting here writing about my emotions and choices instead of writing about autothermal reforming or doing heat integration or any other things which is remotely relavent to my design report. But ya this is a choice too, one I’ll probably regret later or one which will lead to yet another horrible horrible experience in my life:(

So ngaphandle kokuratharatha heres a poem about choices

Sleep, wake up, bath, eat

Sleep, read, write, sing

Choices, choices, choices

There’s so much in this world that’s out of my control

Yet the choices I make affect those things

They affect the way in which I experience them

I did not choose to scream I don’t wanna do this

To scream leave me the hell alone

To scream don’t try to wear me down cause I do not have the strength to tell you to fuck off more than a couple dozen times

That I would rather shut up and let you take what you want peacefully than run the rink of getting yet more scars to moun about when I’m alone

I told you once how he made me feel by assuming an enclosed space alone meant concent, and you laughed and asked what I had thought was gonna happen.

I guess I should have known you were no better, and I guess I should have learnt long ago not to make the same mistake repeatedly. Expecially this one.

Expecially since I’ve been proven time and again that you too will be like him as he was as the one who came before him.

So I’m gonna make a different choice now, I’m gonna choose to not give the next you a chance while praying to God there is someone out there who is not another you. But then again if I give no more chances how will I ever find out if he is?

 

If today was my last day in this world!

A conversation I had today with one of the most amazing woman I know in this world earlier this evening:
Mbali: If you knew you would die tomorrow what letter would you leave those you would live behind?
Me: Life could have been easy
Mbali: And?
Me: That’s all I’d say
Mbali: Well I’d be real angry at you cause that makes to sense to me at all, what do you mean life could have been easy?
Me: Well if I just let life be, and allowed myself to live then it would have been easier…. We spend so much time in life trying to do what we think we should be doing that we dont spend any doing what we want to be doing and that most often than not leads to us not being happy.

There’s so much I regret in this life already and I haven’t even made a dent on this thing yet, and the worst part is that I keep making it worse everyday. The worst is when I wake up in the morning feeling like I don’t wanna go on trying to life.

Mbali: Hmmm
Me: Okay okay, if there is one advice I’d like to give is the best life is one lived in the persuit of that which will bring others joy. Cause really when its all said and done what is the value of our lives gonna be measured by if not the love we have brought to the hearts of those who will live to talk of us once we are gone?

Have a goal for everyday to bring joy to someones heart, make someones day worth living, it doesnt really matter who that person is, it could be you friend, your family mamber, or even a stranger on the street. As long as you can make someone feel loved, not for the things they do for you but justr for waking up. make them remember that this life is worth living, even on those days when it feels like life declared a war agains’t you months past.

Mbali: So what’s stoping you from making life better?
Me: Well cause I’m stupid.
Mbali: No you’re not, I;m sure even if you took the time to examine the reasons you think your stupid you’d realise that it’s those reasons which are stupid.
Me: I love you for making me feel life a Queen everyday of my life since the day I met you, so don’t you dare ever leave me.

Sometimes we spend so much time in life trying to live, I’ve taken to writing about life and occasionally living it. But I’ve found that the best way to life life is by loving everyone and letting those to love you back come into your life and make you feel it. Most of the time feeling loved is so much better than being told you’re loved.

So if I had to give a bit of advice to someone, it would be to ensure those around them feel loved for their mere existance in this world.

When I say “NO” just STOP

I’ve kissed more man than I can count with the fingers on my body and it brings me the greatest sadness to say they all had one thing in mind, except maybe for 1 or 2 who saw me as more than a body curved into curves that fit just right in their hands, as a human, a woman who wanted nothing more than just a kiss or a hand to hold.

No they wanted so much more than I was willing to give, they wanted to lay between my thighs and drink of my womanhood.

Is it the way I sashay my hips, or the way I carry my boby or the way I smile and blink my eyes that makes my “no” and “stop it” so silent that even as I repeatedly utter it your ears cannot seem to hear it.

Isn’t it enough that so many of us have these stories, the ones you “commisarate” with when you hear. As though you understand the pain it embodies, do you not see that you’re affecting me when you choose to hear things I am not saying. When my uttered “no” is taken for a shy yes. My stop it taken for permission to take the decision out of my hands and into yours. “This is my body, not yours, not ours, mine.” The only words which have proven to make a dent on your ears, why is it that I need to get angry and throw a tantrum in order for you to stop and listen to what I’ve been saying to you for the past 30 munites? “I don’t want this -you- in my body so get the hell off me!”