Learning to be 26

I’ve had my life figured out since I was 15 years old. Way back when I was sure I’d finish my degree at 22, get an awesome job which would pay me lots of money, find the perfect guy and be married with a perfect bouncy baby on my lap by the time I rang in 26 years in this little globe we all call a home. I was gonna have the dream life and I was so looking forward to it. Because then I would be truly happy, I’d be content. Even though I thought myself to be incapable of falling in love, even then I still strongly believed I would find my one true love, my soul mate so to say, who would make all my doubts about love just disappear.

When I turned 21 I adjusted my life plan to include what I deemed a little bit of time for me to enjoy my 20’s with my imaginary husband, travel the world and make lots of money so I can build a comfortable lifestyle for my kids. With these thoughts in mind I decided I’d keep the kids at bay until at least 30 years of age. By then I had stopped dating for the time being, I wanted to find a man I could love enough to want to marry, which is probably the reason why I didn’t have that many relationships that existed past the first few dates. Even though I was unlucky in the field of love I was on track with my education, I was in my third year of study and even though I was half depressed 70% of the time I had something going for myself and it was something I was really proud of. My academic prowess was still my chosen badge of honor.

By the time I turned 24, I had failed 2 subjects in school and taken 2 extra years to finish my degree. I clearly hadn’t met the love of my life, testament by the lack of a wedding ring on my finger. And that meant I had no bouncing babies in the horizon. Neither had I spent any amount of time discovering hidden treasures around the world. And to top it all off was making zero money, despite all the money I had stent trying to start my own business in the digital market. Needless to say, I was not doing well against my life plan.

Flash forward to today, as I write this article, I am 26 years of age and even though I got my degree, I don’t have a super high paying job. I haven’t found the love of my life, meaning I still sometimes find myself being cynical about this whole love thing especially after each heartbreak that comes with searching for a husband. I have no kids and I am still yet to travel the world. Needless to say I have not achieved the dream life.

One might assume that that means I’m not happy or content. But could not be further from the truth, because I am super happy with my life as is. I may have not been blessed with the things I once considered to be essential for happiness but I have been blessed with the knowledge that those things are not what brings true joy. I am doing work that I love, that brings so much light and joy into my life everyday that I could not for the life of me find it inside myself to be saddened by the lack of an exorbitant salary. I have come to understand that the love of my life is and will always be the man I choose to love who also chooses to love me in turn everyday. True love is not something that happens by accident just because you woke up with the stars lined up in your favor on some random day. It is a product of two people choosing one another, choosing to work through challenges, treasure blessings and hold hand through every phase of life. Although many of my conceptions of love have since evolved I still hope to keep the kids at bay until at least 30, but now I am also coming to terms with the reality that even that may not be a part of my journey.And that, that is okay.

Falling in Love

Sometimes we find our hearts broken by the things we have decided belong to us. It’s hard to know when its time to let go of the desire to belong. When do you know that you have reached the point of no return? When you have made yourself into something that is unlovable? How do you know when you lose your own ability to be loving to the one person who deserves your love the most.

So many people spend their lives loving people who don’t and will never love them back but they never stop to wonder why it is that their love is never returned. Love is such a precious thing and the sad part is that its one of those things that we all need but we are all so afraid of having or losing once we do. I love to love but I’m also terrified of it, I always have been.

I got my first boyfriend at the age of 13, considering I saw him a total of 2 times I guess one could say that wasn’t really a relationship to even consider, I just liked the idea of having someone I could call my boyfriend. Which is ironic because even then I didn’t see myself as someone who wanted, let alone was capable of loving someone else, at least not unconditionally. What can I say, I’ve always been a little bit jaded.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 14, coincidentally it was 2 weeks after I had my first kiss with a guy who’s name I can’t even remember anymore. This was my first real relationship which would inconsistently last for 2 years. We broke up a total of 4 times in that period and 2 of those times it was because he slept with some other girls, all because I wouldn’t sleep with him. I would be livid and we would fight and he would deny even knowing those girls only to admit it at a later time. Even though I had promised myself I would never allow anyone to play me a fool for love I still took him back. Even then I was a little broken in ways I didn’t really understand and at times still fail to fully understand now. Eventually I decided I was no doormat and ended it for good, it broke my heart and made me a cynic for years to come.

I fell for the first love of my life at 17, he was the first person who truly made me feel I could fly. He made me laugh, was silly with me, he made me feel precious and special. He gave me his time, listened to me and not only shared his dreams but he took mine into him too. I gave him huge chunks of all that I was and had (my body, my heart and my soul). To be honest I don’t know how he got so much of me cause I never meant to give any of it, it was a part I didn’t even realize I had given for years. But we were too young, too immature, too caught up on who we wanted to be and were we wanted to go. We broke each other in ways that left bruises and cracks which have marred the people we have since become. It’s been 9 years and I still find myself thinking about him, wondering if he still thinks of me sometimes, if a part of him still loves me too?

A broken heart and a cynical attitude towards love are a terrible combination which is why the next 6 years flew by with countless failed relationships than never had any real attachment. It’s funny cause I have always wanted to fall in love, always wished to be swept off my feet by a fairy-tale kind of love. It feels like an eternity has passed since then but I still find myself wondering what it would be like to not be a love cynic.

It’s been years but I did finally find the second love of my life and I fall in love hard, it was amazing. I found someone who listened to me and heard me, someone who made me laugh, who makes me feel precious and special. It took me a lot of years but I finally learnt how to be sanguine about love and I got to say it feels amazing. It’s amazing to know what love feels like and I hope to experience it for an eternity in a million different ways.

My Focus list

Every few months I hit a mental low point and when that happens I tend to make lists and design new strategies for how I am going to get my life back in order and achieve my ideal state of being. Needless to say I hardly ever achieve the desired result hence I’m sitting here doing it again today

I’d love to say this will be the last time and assure myself and the world that this is it! That after today my life will be what I want it to be but to be completely honest I have no idea, all I can do is hope this time it works and do my best to make it work

So instead of a set out list of achievements I am rather going to make a list of the things that will help me to be more productive, things that help me to maintain focus.

1. White noise and instrumental music (when I need to think deeply, process information and come up with new ideas)
2. Pop and RnB music (for work that doesn’t need my mental skills)
3. Put away my phone (far away cause it’s distracting)
4. Organising and planning makes me focus for some weird reason because it sometimes keeps me from getting actual work done, so ironic right – but I can use it to regain focus when I lose it
5. Taking a nap can help me focus if I’m careful to put my phone away while I take the nap
6. Reading a novel, I can give myself a set amount of time which I can take to read then the rest needs to be productive.
7. Writing in my journal or on my blog or anywhere else I can really writing helps me focus when I’m not having a writers block

I think this list is as comprehensive a list as I could ever come up with, now I just need to put it to work. I’m gonna try and when I hit my next bottom I’ll come back and write a follow up article….. hahaha

Love you for reading this!!!

Jack of no trades, Amateur of none

When I started high school I joined a drama group, I fancied myself an aspiring actress and I believed I could do a great job because I’ve always been good at it when we had to do a drama in class throughout primary and middle school. I was in the drama club for about a year and in that period we did a lot of plays and it was great we went to different schools and traveled to different places around my village and the neighbouring one and I love it.

It was so much fun to do drama’s and put my acting skills to use. I formed and nurtured some really great friendships most of which I got to keep long after the group disbanded. A part of me always wanted to do more acting, I knew I had the potential and that if I nurtured it I could probably become a great amateur actress. But like so many other hidden little talents I’ve discovered I had throughout the years I wasn’t willing to give it the time and effort it needed to be nurtured and develop into something real, something I could be proud of.

It’s been 10 years since 15 year old me decided acting wasn’t worth the effort and in that time I have dabbled in Latin, contemporary & ballroom dance; singing in a choir and solo; debate; writing blogs, novels and, short stories; spoken word poetry and written poetry; swimming; vloging; youtube-ing; public speaking; playing guitar; modeling; digital marketing; …. the list literally goes on. I have started so many things, pursued so many interests but I am sad to be sitting here writing this post and feeling completely under accomplished because I have mustered non of them.

I’m turning 26 in a few weeks and as I sit here thinking about all the things I could have become my heart weeps and all that I have denied myself the opportunity of having for reasons not known to me. I could have been an amateur Master of so many amazing trades yet I sit here a Jack of them all, it truly breaks the heart.

I’ve been thinking about why it is that I keep hopping from one thing to another and wondering whether its even possible for me to commit to something and develop it to amateur Master level before I move on to the next thing? I’ve been reading a lot of things to help me answer this question and I think there a few things that have been holding me back but the biggest one which I need to work on is fear. Fear that I am never going to be good enough and that I am going to fail so before the opportunity comes to fail I just quit and move on to something else. Something challenging which offers no risk of insurmountable hills. So I’m gonna give myself a 26th year old gift, overcoming my fear of failure and I’m gonna do that by developing healthy mental habits and committing to developing one talent over the next 8 weeks and its a gift I’m gonna give myself.

“Love is a light that never dwelleth in a heart possessed by fear.” this is a quote by Bahá’u’lláh and I will keep it in my heart over the next 8 weeks.

Beautiful sun rises and Broken hearts

This morning on my way to work I set by the window and watched the sunrise. Thinking about the song “Drivers licence” and failed relationships. Thinking about broken hearts and how hard they can sometimes make it so much harder to appreciate the wonder of a new dawn. A daily gift presented to us to experience the wonder that is life.

My Cousin told me yesterday that they got their heart broken yet again. And the story made me feel sad cause I really had high hopes for them. One might say I’m a dreamer to loves love and so I’m always routing for it to succeed.

I sit here today and I ask myself about the wonder of a problem heart. I’ve seen so many different reactions to this phenomenon that it makes me wonder whether it’s really a blessing or a curse?

Some people use it as an opportunity to shut themselves out of the experience (close their hearts). Others think of it as permission to deliberately break the hearts of others. Yet, Others choose to use it as a learning experience to know what to not do next time around.

What is the right response?

Learning to forgive myself

It’s ten pm on a Wednesday evening and I find myself wide awake, about an hour after my usual sleeping time. Staring at the walls, I berate myself again for yet another bad decision made today. It’s almost comical how often this happens.

How often I find myself replaying all the ways I could have made a different decision today, how I could have given a cleaver retort to all those that snarked at me through the coarse of the day, or simply how much better my life would have been tomorrow if only I could have wanted/done something different today.

Needless to say all these what if’s, could have’s and should have’s are completely inconsequential at this point because all possibilities alternate from the reality of what was form part of a history that can never be.

I must have called myself any and every imaginable kind of stupid today as I recall the events of the day. “How could you be so dumb BUSI!!! You know better than that” I honestly wanted to throw myself off a bridge, iron my hands or (less severe) bang my head against a wall to try knock some sense back into it. But luckily there was enough reason within me to stop me from doing any of those things. Cause really self harm is not the answer to anything!!!

When you’re me, having perfected the art of self destruction. When you know which buttons you need to push to make a scratch unto a gaping pit of horrors. When you know just how to magnify every mistake made so it encapsulates the entirety of the space available. When you’ve somehow managed to convince yourself that contrary to popular belief (and all available evidence), that you are capable of doing everything right.

It’s hard to accept your own imperfections especially when the people around you tend to fail to see just how messed up you really are. To try maintain an image of who you have to be to yourself is kinda like trying to oppose gravity.

Straining to remain suspended above the ground for far longer than nature deems sufficient, is it any wonder when you find yourself sprawled on the floor after a tragic fall? I think not…

At 15 years old I used to stand in the kitchen and cry as I washed the dishes, dredging up every memory I couldn’t think of to keep my heart broken. I remember thinking to myself that life was made up of misery with fleeting moment of joy. Ten years have since lapsed and today I find myself wondering if maybe I hadn’t been on to something back then. And other times I wonder if I might have been sometimes back then, something I no longer as today. As I ponder this I wonder…

If I take a breath today and think of all the things I did do right today. All the things I have to be grateful for, all that was, all that is and all that can be. Then I realize that maybe, just maybe… accepting myself as imperfect and celebrating being imperfect is the best gift I can give myself. Because then I could maybe learn what it means to forgive all the mistakes I make everyday and allow myself enough peace of mind to fall asleep tonight so I can wake up again tomorrow and do it all over again. And maybe this time, I’ll do it right the nth time around.

A note to 15 year old me

If I could write a letter to me and send it back in time to myself at 15 I’d start by saying “You are beautiful, smart, lovable and don’t ever let anyone (including you) tell you otherwise. I know you spend a lot of time feeling unworthy of love and affection, I know you don’t know what you want in this life and you have no idea what to do to feel whole. It’s okay, you find yourself and the moment you accept yourself you will see it. You don’t have to change anything about yourself so stop comparing yourself to your friends they are not better than you and neither are you better than them, you are all just kids trynna do the best you can with the lot you’ve been dealt.

Unfinished

I die and learn to live in a world created for me by those who do not yet know how to live. I am unfinished as I stand always at the gate of indecision.

Should I go in? Or just walk out? Yet, in the back of my mind I ask “wouldn’t it be better for me to ask why I chose to move at all?”

I am undecided and so remain unfinished. A conversation with a part of me that knows not its roots nor its leaves or the height of its stem, yes unfinished is what I am.

In a world that tells me how to be myself, doubt myself and even hate myself its hard to tell what love is.

I am submerged in a filthy river marred by all that which I see in my TV screen until it rains…

And for the first time I know what it feels like to breath.

Discovering what it really means to love me

“To be happy is a choice that I must make for myself rather than a product of my current circumstances”. This is a realisation I came to when I realised today that I was happy and had no apparent reason to be other than being content with who I am. I have spent so much time struggling with so many negative self image ideas over the last few years and I always kept telling myself that I was good enough. I can’t even count nor remember the number of times I have found myself feeling that my life wasn’t worth living in the last 10-15 years. And I’m not saying that it will never happen again, but I am starting to see that so much of how I feel is influenced by how I think (about myself, the world around me and others around me.

I have found that joy can always be found in giving selflessly yourself without thought to others. Because to make others happy brings a contentment to the heart that cannot be found anywhere else. I have learnt that what I tell myself everyday becomes my reality. That anything I want is possible only if I am willing to put in not only the work required to make it reality but also the right attitude towards it.

I decided a few weeks ago that I want to be a life coach, cause from the little experience I’ve had I know I love helping other people to be happy. I then came to realise that if I had any hope of achieving this goal of mine I would need to put in the work required to get my own life in order. I started doing a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course (this is a completely free course which anyone can do – https://palousemindfulness.com/), which I am finding to be quite interesting so far. It has so far taught me that in order to find joy I must accept myself as I am, faults and all, completely without judgement. It is only after accepting myself that I can truly honestly make any progress towards turning my life into what I would like it to be. I cant say I have completely accepted myself yet but I can say I have started the process and I feel so different than I did a week ago it’s not even funny. I have also started doing an online coaching course which has also taught me a tremendous amount of stuff even though I’ve only just begun. I’ve started a vlog also where I share my experience in this process as it unfolds which I’d like to invite you to watch (https://youtu.be/RvfTwxpitPs). I realise that this is still early days but I truly want to success and I think my desire for change outstrips my desire to remain the same.

Me, Myself and I

Full of life, some would say a ball that’s always about to explode 🙂 I love life even when I hate it, always looking for the next adventure. I always look for the positive side of everything and I like to live like nothing is impossible. My love for humanity lead me to Baha’u’llah and his message which inspires me to serve humanity through a variety of activities such as core activities. I love to read, sing (which I do pretty well :)), dance (not as good) and write anything from finished poems and blog articles to unfinished books and diary entries. I love laughing by the way cause I feel our sense of humour is a muscle we should always be stretching.