Dear future Husband

Dear Husband,

I don’t know you yet but I know your the centre of my earthly existence because that’s the only reason your my husband to begin with :). 

I know I make you mad cause I’m mad but I also make you happy… so happy it sometimes feels like too much joy for your heart to contain, I know this cause I imagine its the only reason I’m your wife to begin with :).

Well maybe the above two reasons why I’d marry you and you me aren’t the only ones cause we both definitely have way more reasons for wanting to spend all of eternity together, cause it’s a hell of a lot of time to be with someone for one reason only. 

I love you, I miss you and I can’t wait to meet you. In the mean time though here are a few things I wanna tell you. I have a very good mask and I hope you see past it, I hope you see…. me, beyond the pretty smile and the endless talking. See the shy girl within who just wants to be listened to, really listened to and to hear you too. I hope you talk to me, share my dreams intertwined with your own to a point where the distinction between the two is indistinguishable. I hope you know how to love with reckless abandon, how to be kind to everyone, how to be selfless and how to be humble in all that you do. That you know that everyday you get to wake up is an opportunity to make this world a better place even with things as small as putting a smile on someone’s face or as big as giving your life for the progress of mankind. 

I know it might seem like I’m asking a lot of you but truth is even if your just constantly aspiring to be all these things and more you will be perfect. I will still love you even on those days you forget to be perfectly you. I’ll hold your hand on those days when you feel like this world is too much and you just want to give up, I’ll hold you up when you trip and I’ll remind you why we’re doing it still and why we can’t stop, why we need to give more still. And I know you’ll do the same for me every single day for as long as we both live in all the worlds of God. 

Oh and just one last time… Don’t forget I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, I MEAN IT. IT’S THE REASON I MARRIED YOU..

Do we choose unhappiness?

For the longest time in my formative years I believed that happiness was fleeting and was incapable of staying in our hearts. This theory was validated every time I got hurt by a loved one or got disappointed by my self for not achieving certain goal, tests I got 60s on instead of 90s (which was a lot by the way). 

It always felt like every time I got hurt it hurt more, as if the pain just kept on being magnified. I understand now that it was magnified, because I kept a hurt storage room inside me where all pains went and every time I got hurt the room would open in order go admit the new entry and during those periods I would hurt like hell cause I remembered and felt it all at once.
I didn’t actually do it intentionally but it was a reality of who I was, how I dealt with hurt cause every time the door closed I would feel nothing, even happy I may say. It was as well if whenever the door was closed those memories didn’t exist and had infect never happened. 

I remember the countless times I’d cry for hours while hiding my tears from my mom cause I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me especially her. The countless stories I told of how I would deal with the situations which brought those tears to my face. 

Now I’d really love to be able to say I’m nolonger like that anymore. That I’m able to let bigons be bigons and believe that happiness can stay inside us. But I can’t. 

All I can say is that at least I’m learning to be content with who  I am, to forgive, to open my heart up to more hurt just so I can have the opportunity to trully learn how to feel love within.

I’m still working on my identity to discover which thought in my head are actually mine or as my roommate would say I’m learning how to decolonise my mind, with learning as the oparative word. 

Over the past couple of months I’ve had to opportunity to really question my thoughts and I must say that it has done wonders for me. Slowly changing the way I see the world, how I interact with different people and how I see myself. How I validate myself in different situations, slowly teaching me how to love me and my world. How to stop trying to be what I’m not, killing myself to achieve things I don’t even understand. 

So back to the topic of the day, do we choose unhappiness? I think I do, at least most of the time cause I’ve chosen time and again to let the things that bring me down keep me down just because I was afraid of what would knock me down afterward. But like I said I’m learning to be different, I’m learning to grow and to heal.

Mirrors

Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all … You

Yes you, whomever is reading this, not because of your cute eyelashes, eyes, cheeks, lips… Hips, abs, or even ass🙈… but because you’re You

You are exclusive, an original and guess what your irreplaceable. Because really no one has the capacity to be you, so stop. Stop trying to be the model/actor you see on your favourate magazine or TV show, stop trying to be your favourate falab/instalab cause truth is you can’t be them and they don’t deserve your essense. 

Dont trade it in for something that’s not worth having, be yourself, love yourself, remember yourself. Remember the five year old you used to be before you leant to feel ashamed, inadequate, and worthless. The one who spoke to everyone, played with everyone and loved with all their heart. The one you were before you learnt that everything is conditional, even (or should I say especially) love. 

Learning to Be… me?

Growing up I was always different, people tend to look at those they can’t understand differently and at some point in my teenage years I managed to convince myself that I liked being the odd one out and for a while it made it easier to be. To be a person who could laugh even when my heart was breaking, to smile at jokes that mocked all I had the audacity to believe in, the sad part is I got so confortable being unhappy I couldn’t describe happiness to myself.

That happens when you get it in your mind that happiness is blue/pink/green/or any other colour really, you learn not to recognise it or rather experience it.

If there is anything about my life that I regret the most it would be the fact that I taught myself to be unhappy by pretending to be happy even when I knew I was not.

I have grown over the years and I’m finally realising what kind of woman I want to be. Yes I’m still a product of all my yesterday’s but I’m also a reactant for my tomorrow, so starting from just before yesterday I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel so I can learn to write about it, One story at a time and one poem at a time cause let’s face it poetry is life.

Becoming….

Forever at the beginning, starting fresh on a new page, rewritting stories forgotten long before they were ever told, stories that cannot be heard even as they are being told, stories that carry so much of who and what I am at every crossroad, stories that tell of how I learnt to love, hate and everything in between. My stories…

My stories, that transform into songs that shred the fabrics of what we all thought to call identity into so many pieces it’s almost impossible to identify me as a person.

I keep losing in a one man race, maybe it’s cause I’m finding it difficult to tell stories that fit your description of what I am.

Stories, stories, stories. Stories told of me, of my blood and tears all smeared in these pages that remain yet to be read by any who can understand.

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